DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR ATTRACTION TO OTHER WOMEN
You’re walking down the street and an attractive woman comes into your field of vision. She’s dressed in a way that reveals the curves of her body and she radiates sensuality.
Your arousal system is instantly triggered and you feel that flood of sexual energy through your body.
Sound familiar? WHAT DO YOU DO IN THAT SITUATION?
A lot of men pretend they’re not interested and look anywhere but at her, suppressing the desire in their bodies. Often this comes from a feeling it would be a betrayal of their partner to acknowledge any desire for another woman.
And of course many men drop their jaws (metaphorically or literally!) and stare at her boobs, bum, facial features, etc, turning their head to catch as much as possible of the vision before she disappears out of sight. Men I’ve spoken to who are in this camp generally aren’t open with their partner about their attraction to other women, fearing she would see it as a threat and potential betrayal.
I lived for a long time in the first camp, suppressing my desire and feeling guilty about it. I’ve also spent time in the second camp.
But there’s an alternative to these two situations that doesn’t require suppressing your desire, nor being a frustrated perve.
What I’ve learnt to do in this situation (which of course can occur multiple times a day) is this:
First I acknowledge that it’s NORMAL for my arousal system to spark when a woman who has the kind of body type and energy that I’m attracted to appears in my field of vision.
Next I ENJOY her form while she's in my field of vision. I drink it in like an artwork and enjoy the feeling of pleasure that it gives me. Once she’s passed I don’t turn my head to linger longer. I simply enjoy the vision as it’s there in the flow of the moment.
THERE’S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERVING AND APPRECIATING A BEAUTIFUL FORM
When the vision has passed I then turn inward and acknowledge that I have sexual energy flowing now in my body. I use simple sexual self-mastery practices I’ve learned, to breathe that energy around my body and circulate it away from my genitals. I love allowing the energy to flow around my body in this way and I’m grateful for the experience. I feel enlivened and energised.
And I move on without my mind going back constantly to relive the memory of her form. Once she’s left my field of vision I turn my attention to my own sexual energy. When I’m consciously taking this approach, there’s no residual frustration, only more energy to enjoy.
IT DOES REQUIRE CONSCIOUSNESS. When you’re doing the work of re-patterning you need to be aware that old patterns can come in and sabotage new approaches you’re working on. Sometimes I still slip into old patterns of suppression or perversion, but I notice it quickly and it prompts me to return to the enjoyable alternative approach I’ve outlined here.
There’s another piece to this: HOW YOUR PARTNER PERCEIVES YOUR ATTRACTION TO OTHER WOMEN
I feel very grateful to be in a relationship with a woman who really gets that it’s natural for a man to admire the form and energy of another woman. She knows it doesn’t mean I have to take it further than admiration. She understands that MEN ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY TO WOMEN IN THIS AREA.
A big part of why she understands this is because as a sex coach she’s worked with over 1000 male clients, and as a result, she really gets men.
I’m deeply satisfied in our sexual relationship, yet I still enjoy appreciating the beauty of other women. She understands that this is not a betrayal of or a threat to our love. She also knows what my experience is exactly when I do appreciate the beauty of other women: that I enjoy the form and energy, circulate the sexual energy around my body, and move on without lingering on either the physical vision or memory of the form. i wish every man could experience this kind of understanding from his beloved. It’s so liberating.
I’ve had open conversations with my partner about all of this. I wasn’t afraid to express to her my experience in this area. Now when a beautiful woman walks past, we both enjoy it!
In one of my previous relationships, it was the direct opposite. I was with a woman with massive trust issues who was constantly insecure about any attraction I might have towards other women. She had a deep-seated idea that if I experienced even the slightest level of arousal by seeing another woman, that my love for her was not true. It was a very toxic relationship and I bent over backwards to make it work because I loved her, but in the end I walked away because she couldn’t let go of that idea. Her case was definitely at the extreme end of the anxiety spectrum, but it still serves to illustrate a point.
Women are wired differently to men. Generally women need to feel some level of emotional connection before their arousal system is sparked. As a result, when a woman sees her man admiring other women, it’s understandable that she may feel threatened and anxious that he may fall out of love with her and in love with another. Because she generally experiences sexual attraction once there’s emotional connection there.
But men are different. When he experiences sexual attraction to another woman, it does not indicate any lack of love for his partner. Men in the deepest loving relationships are just as likely to experience arousal when the kind of women they’re attracted to come into their field of vision.
I’ll be going into this more deeply on the next retreat I’m running in a couple of weeks, which will include helping men understand how to circulate the sexual energy around their body, rather than experiencing it as stuck in their genitals. We’ll also be diving into masculinity, purpose, presence, and deeply understanding women. All those things that women find really sexy 😃
If you’re experiencing guilt around your attraction to other women, or feeling as if you can’t be honest with your partner about what you experience in this area, I hope the alternative approach I’ve outlined above has sparked your interest.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.