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My partner and I have started monthly “sex check-in” conversations, which are proving to be some of the most powerful conversations about sex that I’ve ever had.

We sit down to chat at a time where there are no deadlines to be anywhere, so we can take as long as we need.

We essentially talk about what we’re loving about our sex life, as well as what we’re not enjoying. We share with each other our thoughts and feelings on the following questions:
⁃ what am I enjoying about our sex life?
⁃ what am I not enjoying?
⁃ what do I want more of?
⁃ what do I want less of?
⁃ what do I want to bring in to our sex play that we’re not currently doing?

It’s a powerful conversation that takes openness, courage, and willingness to be vulnerable. It’s really empowering to hear how much she’s enjoying the things that I find really hot.

It can also be hard to hear that my partner is not enjoying something that I’ve been really enjoying - like a certain sex position - but what I find is that if I hear her and acknowledge how she’s feeling about it, we always come to a way of satisfying our desires (often in even hotter and more exciting ways than before!).

In a relationship, it’s a common experience that the spark of sexual attraction can fade over time. My view on this is that there’s a lot that can be done to not only keep the spark alive but to create an experience that actually gets hotter over time rather than less exciting. This takes regular conversation and a willingness to be vulnerable, as well as adventurous.

Whether you’re in a casual, monogamish, or fully committed situation, I guarantee that having this kind of conversation with your partner or partners will revolutionise the sexual experience you’re having with them. It will massively deepen the trust and safety within the connection, which creates the space for a hotter and more tantalising connection.

If you’re single, have this conversation with yourself around your self-pleasuring life. What are you enjoying about self-pleasuring? What are you not enjoying? What do you want to give yourself more of? What do you want less of? What do you want to bring in to your love-making with yourself that you’re not currently doing? Taking yourself through this process could be a game-changer to address neediness.

When I work with men who are struggling with neediness around women they’re attracted to, I always recommend diving deep in this way into their self-pleasuring life. I help them understand how to make love to themselves so beautifully that they can walk around in the world feeling a deep love for themselves, and therefore relaxed around women they’re attracted to.

I used to find this really powerful when I was doing salsa. Sometimes before a salsa class I would self-pleasure and give myself an amazing sexual experience. I would come to the class deeply relaxed and dance with many women there, without feeling needy for their attention or approval. And they responded VERY positively.

For a good while now I’ve been a student of sexuality, pushing my edges at sexuality focused workshops, retreats, and events. I’ve dived deep into the work of pioneers in the fields of masculinity, sexuality and relationships with women, such as Jack Morin, David Deida, Barbara Carrellas, John Gottman, Robert Bly, Steve Biddulph, and various masters and mistresses of seduction.

One of the main learnings for me so far is that there’s no one magic pill. As sexual beings, we are complex. It takes a very conscious approach and ongoing conversation to dance with the complexity of our innermost sexual fantasies and desires.

Try out a “sex check-in” conversation regularly with your partner, or with yourself if you’re single. And enjoy the fruits that come out of it.

Wishing you an increasingly hot sex life.